I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
