I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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