can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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