So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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