She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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