I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
