Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
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Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
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If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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