Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
