So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
