wakey wakey hands off snakey
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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