We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
