i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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