If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
