I must be too annoying 4 u.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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