i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
