Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
