I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
