There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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