I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
