They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
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Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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