barbara walters just said penis...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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