Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
