My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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