i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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