I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I want to make a zoo with you.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
