If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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