Im at strip club and am horny
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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