My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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