when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
