you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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