omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
