My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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