Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
