White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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