My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
