I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
