Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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