I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
