I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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