someone get that fucking seahorse.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Your dad touched me again.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Randomize
