Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
