i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
