sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
