happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
