i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
