wakey wakey hands off snakey
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
