I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
