Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
