i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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