Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
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I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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