Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
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dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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