I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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