This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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