we're chasing vodka with high fives
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
