Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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