Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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