He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
